part 2

Golly me, people actually do read my blog, I was surprised to see comments. Okay so where was I.

Jim put his coffee down and looked for words but he stuttered for about ten good minutes and I did not say anything I just sat there and looked at him and the tears said it all. Cheating tears or rather tears that flow when u find you have been cheated on, are not the same as other tears. They are different from tears of joy and tears of sadness. they are like a mixture of regret and hatred and shock. They are hot, they actually burn your skin and by the way the next day I had two rash streaks down my cheeks because of them.

Jim tried to get up and give me a hug but I told him not to even think about getting close to me. I frankly did not trust myself not to slap him or hit him or pour his coffee on him. I forgot to mention I had grabbed a pillow earlier and all this time I was hugging it with all my strength.

He could not say anything. After his stutters, he fell into a long silence and I wanted to say so many things but its wrong to do that you might blaspheme and that would not be right. So when I was finally sure I could open my mouth without a curse coming out… not a curse word, a curse where I say may this and this happen… when I could finally open my mouth, I asked how he could do this to me. And I asked how old his daughter is. He said she is nine.

My stomach and my heart exchanged places I think. I asked when he found out about her. He said he knew even when her mother was pregnant. I am glad he did not try to lie to me because I know him too well and I would have caught him and that would have made things worse.

I told him I was going to be honest. “This house cannot contain both of us tonight.” I said one of us would have to find alternative accommodation. And because I did not want to inconvenience him, I told him I was willing to find a place to spend the night if he would take care of the girls, give them breakfast and all of that. I had already weighed my options. I would probably have had to take Shanna with me. Thankfully he decided to leave. I told him not to forget to go and see his daughter as soon as he could. He said he was checking into the Marriot Marquis. I said I did not care where he was going so long as he got out of my sight.

So he left.

Twenty minutes later, he was back. I was in my room praying when I heard a knock. I thought it was Havi so I said come in. And it was Jim. He said, “I came back to give you a good night hug.” I said, “Good night what? You have ruined my next million nights.”

I was trying my best to stay calm and not fight because I am a Titus 2 wife, remember. And I had vowed on my wedding day not to do things like other women. But the urge to hit him was so strong. I put my head back on the ground and continued to pray. And because I was so over whelmed the tongues came out like rapids of water. And I felt an amount of peace. i dont know how long he was there but when i finished praying he had left.

The next day, my friend came over. She was bringing me high-lighters. Ha I know its funny but we are sticklers for Bible high-lighting, and my yellow and green just didn’t pop so I asked where she got hers and she promised to get me a few packs. So she let herself in and put some water in the kettle. “Something feels different, how’s Jim?” I said he was fine, everyone was fine. Havi was already in school. We made our usual chit chat and then we sat down to tea. Our favourite part of every visit we pay each other.

And then she said, “So what’s up!”

And I tried to wriggle my way out of it and she said she knew as soon as she walked in the door that something was wrong and maybe God sent her to pray with me. I put Shanna in her hands to distract her. It worked for about ten minutes of “goo goo, gaga,” baby talk. And then she said, “So what’s up!” and I told her what was up. She is maybe five years younger than me so she keeps telling me she can’t advise me but I keep asking her for advice.

We prayed and asked God to speak to me and show me what to do. I was shocked that she cried with me but you know there are some friends who have this ability to put themselves in your shoes and cry for you and am so thankful for her for that reason.

A few weeks later, I decided to quit my job and move out of the house. It was getting too expensive for Jim to stay at the hotel every day and I still didn't want to see or be near him. So I got an apartment which he offered to pay for but I told him to keep his money. Now in the process of those few weeks I found out that Freida, the mother of the nine year old girl whose name is Faith, is someone I know. She used to work with me for seven months. And everyone knew that she and Jim had something, except me. because it didn’t end, and was back and forth even when we were married.

I struggled to try and understand that this man, who is a worshipper, a prayer warrior, calls himself a child of God, could do this to the mother of his children, or should I say the mothers of his children. At the same time I am very young, I thought goodness is this the start of a harrowing divorce process. I was not ready for it. I knew it would break me if I ever got a divorce.

During the month and a half of our separation, I spent every single day in worship and I was reminded that we are not perfect, we never will be. And just because someone keeps a secret from his wife, that doesn’t make him worse than the person who steals an eraser. It’s all sin. So I came to terms with my own imperfection and tried to see where I might have gone wrong or how I may have contributed to Jim’s fear of telling me.

It’s not the same between us anymore, there are no more laughs, its just me going through the motions because I got married and am now stuck with him. I hope that one day I will heal, but until then I just have to keep keeping on being a Titus 2 wife on the days I feel like it and on the days I don’t. i will try not to be bitter and I will try to live my best and run the race.

God loves Jim even with his past. As a Christian there is no room for me to brag, and I have no excuse for not loving. He is my husband. I love him. I will love him always. And we will hurt each other. But we will overcome. Even if i smile less nowadays and i dont trust him one bit i know i will get there and if not on earth then so be it, in heaven we will experience perfection.

Sooooo, that’s the reason for my silence!