The explanation

I dont know if anyone reads this but there is an explanation for the silence.

Jim and I separated for a month. I found out many things that broke my heart and it was not so much the news but how i got it that sparked my hurt feelings. i might blog about it soon. Actually ill go ahead and say it because everyone knew except me.... Im still dealing with it, I got a phone call one day from someone telling me that "I have been trying to find Jim but I cant contact him so please let him know that his daughter is very sick and needs to see him because we are not sure if she will make it."

I first thought about Havi she was at school at the time so I put Shanna in the car and belted/strapped her in and drove to the school to pick her up... she was very happy to be going home early and she skipped to the car and sang all the way home. Okay so Havi was not sick and neither was Shanna......so what could this person mean.

When I got home I made some snacks for Havi and began to think about it......and I thought maybe these people made a mistake maybe it was a different Jim. But the woman had said both his names and she also mentioned his workplace. I thought maybe she mistook someone for Havi. But no it was not adding up, the only thing i knew is jim has a daughter somewhere and I didnt know about it. in other words, my loving, caring, sexy, successful husband, had cheated on me.

My friend Pea always used to tell me.... "When things in your marriage are going perfect, that's the time you need to pray the most." and Shengi always says, "Girl, your marriage is too good....are you sure its true?"

I was chopping onions to make some dinner, I will never forget that day I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and I can point to the exact tile on the kitchen floor where I was standing. I can tell u the smells, the sounds, the thoughts. I was still too shocked to begin crying but the onions helped me get started.

I put the knife on the counter and knelt on the floor in silence. Havi walked in pushing her sister in her "carrier", the one we bought because Havi insisted on having a hand in Shanna's upbringing. Shanna was crying. I heard Havi saying, "Shh, Mommy is praying so we have to be very quiet" and as if there was an angel there that knew i needed silence, Shanna went quiet.

I made dinner and freshened up in preparation for my husband. That night Jim came home and I was trying to be a Titus chapter 2 wife but there are some times when you cant be all that and one of those times is if you find ur man has had a secret for a long time and never let you in on it. I welcomed him and did everything the same. He held me close and I could feel a bulge down there, he said i was looking beautiful and started to kiss me but i pulled back tactfully. I took his coat, waited for him to sit down, turned on the TV, got his house slippers, knelt and took off his socks and shoes and gave him the slippers. I brought him something to drink and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes. He looked happy, I thought I was doing fine but he noticed I was not 100% and as I put his drink before him he leaned forward to kiss me and for the first time in my life I felt disgust on feeling his kiss. He asked if everything was ok and I said "Yeah why?" and he said I seemed like something was on my mind.

I set the table and told him his dinner was ready, by this time the girls were asleep, I thank God that Shanna unlike Havi operates under normal hours except the occasional nightly cry for a feed. She loves her sleep that one. We ate and I asked him the usual questions how was work how is his boss etc. He filled me in on how the day was but to be honest I cant remember a thing he said. I cleared the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, he went back to the living room and I got him his coffee.

I set it before him and as he took his first sip I asked him to turn off the tv.

"Why?" He said then he looked at me and saw my expression and turned it off.

"Someone called for you today."

He swished the coffee around in his mouth (I know, its a very annoying habit but i guess when u marry someone u marry the entire package) and swallowed it. "Really? Who?"

"That's what I want you to tell me."

"What did he or she say...."

"Your daughter is very sick and might not make it and you need to get in touch."

He tried to calmly put his coffee down but his hand was shaking so bad he spilt some on his lap. I could see he was fighting with two things, first his daughter was sick and second I knew about this daughter...

"What do you have to say about that." I asked him.

"Meleasa..." It was the first time in two and a half years that he was using my first name. The second time since we got married. So he knew he was in trouble.

Baby is crying i have to finish this later.