1 Cor ch. 6 vs 14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?15And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?16And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.17Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.18And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.
So what is an unbeliever exactly? What do you call someone who is not exactly born again, but beleives in God? what do you call someone who was once born again but got choked by the things of this world?
And are all these people the same as someone who has never believed in Christ?
And are all THESE people the same as someone who knows God exists but rejects him?
Because James said even the demons believe! And they tremble! So are demons unbelievers?
Someone tlak to me
25.7.07
part 2
Golly me, people actually do read my blog, I was surprised to see comments. Okay so where was I.
Jim put his coffee down and looked for words but he stuttered for about ten good minutes and I did not say anything I just sat there and looked at him and the tears said it all. Cheating tears or rather tears that flow when u find you have been cheated on, are not the same as other tears. They are different from tears of joy and tears of sadness. they are like a mixture of regret and hatred and shock. They are hot, they actually burn your skin and by the way the next day I had two rash streaks down my cheeks because of them.
Jim tried to get up and give me a hug but I told him not to even think about getting close to me. I frankly did not trust myself not to slap him or hit him or pour his coffee on him. I forgot to mention I had grabbed a pillow earlier and all this time I was hugging it with all my strength.
He could not say anything. After his stutters, he fell into a long silence and I wanted to say so many things but its wrong to do that you might blaspheme and that would not be right. So when I was finally sure I could open my mouth without a curse coming out… not a curse word, a curse where I say may this and this happen… when I could finally open my mouth, I asked how he could do this to me. And I asked how old his daughter is. He said she is nine.
My stomach and my heart exchanged places I think. I asked when he found out about her. He said he knew even when her mother was pregnant. I am glad he did not try to lie to me because I know him too well and I would have caught him and that would have made things worse.
I told him I was going to be honest. “This house cannot contain both of us tonight.” I said one of us would have to find alternative accommodation. And because I did not want to inconvenience him, I told him I was willing to find a place to spend the night if he would take care of the girls, give them breakfast and all of that. I had already weighed my options. I would probably have had to take Shanna with me. Thankfully he decided to leave. I told him not to forget to go and see his daughter as soon as he could. He said he was checking into the Marriot Marquis. I said I did not care where he was going so long as he got out of my sight.
So he left.
Twenty minutes later, he was back. I was in my room praying when I heard a knock. I thought it was Havi so I said come in. And it was Jim. He said, “I came back to give you a good night hug.” I said, “Good night what? You have ruined my next million nights.”
I was trying my best to stay calm and not fight because I am a Titus 2 wife, remember. And I had vowed on my wedding day not to do things like other women. But the urge to hit him was so strong. I put my head back on the ground and continued to pray. And because I was so over whelmed the tongues came out like rapids of water. And I felt an amount of peace. i dont know how long he was there but when i finished praying he had left.
The next day, my friend came over. She was bringing me high-lighters. Ha I know its funny but we are sticklers for Bible high-lighting, and my yellow and green just didn’t pop so I asked where she got hers and she promised to get me a few packs. So she let herself in and put some water in the kettle. “Something feels different, how’s Jim?” I said he was fine, everyone was fine. Havi was already in school. We made our usual chit chat and then we sat down to tea. Our favourite part of every visit we pay each other.
And then she said, “So what’s up!”
And I tried to wriggle my way out of it and she said she knew as soon as she walked in the door that something was wrong and maybe God sent her to pray with me. I put Shanna in her hands to distract her. It worked for about ten minutes of “goo goo, gaga,” baby talk. And then she said, “So what’s up!” and I told her what was up. She is maybe five years younger than me so she keeps telling me she can’t advise me but I keep asking her for advice.
We prayed and asked God to speak to me and show me what to do. I was shocked that she cried with me but you know there are some friends who have this ability to put themselves in your shoes and cry for you and am so thankful for her for that reason.
A few weeks later, I decided to quit my job and move out of the house. It was getting too expensive for Jim to stay at the hotel every day and I still didn't want to see or be near him. So I got an apartment which he offered to pay for but I told him to keep his money. Now in the process of those few weeks I found out that Freida, the mother of the nine year old girl whose name is Faith, is someone I know. She used to work with me for seven months. And everyone knew that she and Jim had something, except me. because it didn’t end, and was back and forth even when we were married.
I struggled to try and understand that this man, who is a worshipper, a prayer warrior, calls himself a child of God, could do this to the mother of his children, or should I say the mothers of his children. At the same time I am very young, I thought goodness is this the start of a harrowing divorce process. I was not ready for it. I knew it would break me if I ever got a divorce.
During the month and a half of our separation, I spent every single day in worship and I was reminded that we are not perfect, we never will be. And just because someone keeps a secret from his wife, that doesn’t make him worse than the person who steals an eraser. It’s all sin. So I came to terms with my own imperfection and tried to see where I might have gone wrong or how I may have contributed to Jim’s fear of telling me.
It’s not the same between us anymore, there are no more laughs, its just me going through the motions because I got married and am now stuck with him. I hope that one day I will heal, but until then I just have to keep keeping on being a Titus 2 wife on the days I feel like it and on the days I don’t. i will try not to be bitter and I will try to live my best and run the race.
God loves Jim even with his past. As a Christian there is no room for me to brag, and I have no excuse for not loving. He is my husband. I love him. I will love him always. And we will hurt each other. But we will overcome. Even if i smile less nowadays and i dont trust him one bit i know i will get there and if not on earth then so be it, in heaven we will experience perfection.
Sooooo, that’s the reason for my silence!
Jim put his coffee down and looked for words but he stuttered for about ten good minutes and I did not say anything I just sat there and looked at him and the tears said it all. Cheating tears or rather tears that flow when u find you have been cheated on, are not the same as other tears. They are different from tears of joy and tears of sadness. they are like a mixture of regret and hatred and shock. They are hot, they actually burn your skin and by the way the next day I had two rash streaks down my cheeks because of them.
Jim tried to get up and give me a hug but I told him not to even think about getting close to me. I frankly did not trust myself not to slap him or hit him or pour his coffee on him. I forgot to mention I had grabbed a pillow earlier and all this time I was hugging it with all my strength.
He could not say anything. After his stutters, he fell into a long silence and I wanted to say so many things but its wrong to do that you might blaspheme and that would not be right. So when I was finally sure I could open my mouth without a curse coming out… not a curse word, a curse where I say may this and this happen… when I could finally open my mouth, I asked how he could do this to me. And I asked how old his daughter is. He said she is nine.
My stomach and my heart exchanged places I think. I asked when he found out about her. He said he knew even when her mother was pregnant. I am glad he did not try to lie to me because I know him too well and I would have caught him and that would have made things worse.
I told him I was going to be honest. “This house cannot contain both of us tonight.” I said one of us would have to find alternative accommodation. And because I did not want to inconvenience him, I told him I was willing to find a place to spend the night if he would take care of the girls, give them breakfast and all of that. I had already weighed my options. I would probably have had to take Shanna with me. Thankfully he decided to leave. I told him not to forget to go and see his daughter as soon as he could. He said he was checking into the Marriot Marquis. I said I did not care where he was going so long as he got out of my sight.
So he left.
Twenty minutes later, he was back. I was in my room praying when I heard a knock. I thought it was Havi so I said come in. And it was Jim. He said, “I came back to give you a good night hug.” I said, “Good night what? You have ruined my next million nights.”
I was trying my best to stay calm and not fight because I am a Titus 2 wife, remember. And I had vowed on my wedding day not to do things like other women. But the urge to hit him was so strong. I put my head back on the ground and continued to pray. And because I was so over whelmed the tongues came out like rapids of water. And I felt an amount of peace. i dont know how long he was there but when i finished praying he had left.
The next day, my friend came over. She was bringing me high-lighters. Ha I know its funny but we are sticklers for Bible high-lighting, and my yellow and green just didn’t pop so I asked where she got hers and she promised to get me a few packs. So she let herself in and put some water in the kettle. “Something feels different, how’s Jim?” I said he was fine, everyone was fine. Havi was already in school. We made our usual chit chat and then we sat down to tea. Our favourite part of every visit we pay each other.
And then she said, “So what’s up!”
And I tried to wriggle my way out of it and she said she knew as soon as she walked in the door that something was wrong and maybe God sent her to pray with me. I put Shanna in her hands to distract her. It worked for about ten minutes of “goo goo, gaga,” baby talk. And then she said, “So what’s up!” and I told her what was up. She is maybe five years younger than me so she keeps telling me she can’t advise me but I keep asking her for advice.
We prayed and asked God to speak to me and show me what to do. I was shocked that she cried with me but you know there are some friends who have this ability to put themselves in your shoes and cry for you and am so thankful for her for that reason.
A few weeks later, I decided to quit my job and move out of the house. It was getting too expensive for Jim to stay at the hotel every day and I still didn't want to see or be near him. So I got an apartment which he offered to pay for but I told him to keep his money. Now in the process of those few weeks I found out that Freida, the mother of the nine year old girl whose name is Faith, is someone I know. She used to work with me for seven months. And everyone knew that she and Jim had something, except me. because it didn’t end, and was back and forth even when we were married.
I struggled to try and understand that this man, who is a worshipper, a prayer warrior, calls himself a child of God, could do this to the mother of his children, or should I say the mothers of his children. At the same time I am very young, I thought goodness is this the start of a harrowing divorce process. I was not ready for it. I knew it would break me if I ever got a divorce.
During the month and a half of our separation, I spent every single day in worship and I was reminded that we are not perfect, we never will be. And just because someone keeps a secret from his wife, that doesn’t make him worse than the person who steals an eraser. It’s all sin. So I came to terms with my own imperfection and tried to see where I might have gone wrong or how I may have contributed to Jim’s fear of telling me.
It’s not the same between us anymore, there are no more laughs, its just me going through the motions because I got married and am now stuck with him. I hope that one day I will heal, but until then I just have to keep keeping on being a Titus 2 wife on the days I feel like it and on the days I don’t. i will try not to be bitter and I will try to live my best and run the race.
God loves Jim even with his past. As a Christian there is no room for me to brag, and I have no excuse for not loving. He is my husband. I love him. I will love him always. And we will hurt each other. But we will overcome. Even if i smile less nowadays and i dont trust him one bit i know i will get there and if not on earth then so be it, in heaven we will experience perfection.
Sooooo, that’s the reason for my silence!
20.7.07
At this rate i might also quit the church
Really I should be continuing my other entry and I will but something else happened in this world of mine.
Its amazing how many people nowadays don’t’want to be Christians, its also amazing how organizations like the ACLU and freedom from religion don’t hate on any religious group except Christians. I thought about it yesterday and I actually think some of these people are justified for the things they feel, a little bit.
A friend of mine is going through a tough time and we spoke about it yesterday. Its so intresting because this is a woman of God who has loved Jesus the whole time I have known her, done things for people and is just a trail blazer in more ways than one.
I don’t know what it is but of late she has been feeling unmoved by the things of God, she doesn’t seem to have lost her love for Jesus she said she still loves Him but it now feels like he is trying to be too close and she is feeling suffocated. This is one woman who has been principled with no compromise all through but lately she has been saying she is tired of being the only one who is trying to be real.
We were in a group and some people began to rebuke her and say she was being self-pitying and needs to grow up but someone else spoke up and said its true, Christians nowadays are the fakest bunch of people, they want to get into heaven while doing as much of the world’s stuff as they can. I thought about it and really this woman had a point. The funny thing was that at the end of our meal only me and another woman were left to comfort this other friend, everyone else ran away, suddenly someone had a commitment, kind of like the people Jesus talked about who could not go to the banquet.
I learnt that way that the church is the place with the most fakes and it broke my heart. Yet she has always been there to comfort people in their issues even the smallest ones, the boyfriend issues, etc. but when it comes to a matter of her soul, someone has to go water their flowers.
That is not real.
To be honest this friend has seen a lot of opposition and misunderstanding and some things have been made up about her just to get her to be less competition for valued spots in church and elsewhere. She has very few true friends and I am glad to say that she thinks I am one of them and I hope I live up to it. She is always getting phone calls from around the world with people and their issues, while we were talking yesterday some young woman called to tell her she was pregnant and I wondered how she was able to counsel the young woman. She actually later said she was starting not to care what choices people make because if God is allowing it why should she interfere.
I know that kind of exhaustion and frustration and its very real and should be taken care of as soon as its spotted. But I don’t think anyone should be blamed for feeling like that. The church is among the fakest places to be and as a matter of fact my husband for a long time refused to go to church because of what a let down it had been to him. I mean there is the normal hardship that people go through in churches because they are different and there are bound to be clashes with differences in personality. I am not talking about that. I am talking about instances where people don’t even care to try to live for God, thinking that as soon as they say the sinner’s prayer they are scot free to do anything and anyone.
If its possible to do all the world does and get into heaven, then why am I saved? What’s the point?
Its very agravating the way people twist the Bible nowadays, all I will say is pray for my friend and pray for all the Christians because its time for us to get real. We cant be praying in the morning and watching harry potter in the evening dancing to all kinds of sexually explicit music and sleeping with men or women.
Choose one way the narrow way or the highway and stick to it this story of balancing on the fence doesn’t cut it Christians we all need to get serious.
Its amazing how many people nowadays don’t’want to be Christians, its also amazing how organizations like the ACLU and freedom from religion don’t hate on any religious group except Christians. I thought about it yesterday and I actually think some of these people are justified for the things they feel, a little bit.
A friend of mine is going through a tough time and we spoke about it yesterday. Its so intresting because this is a woman of God who has loved Jesus the whole time I have known her, done things for people and is just a trail blazer in more ways than one.
I don’t know what it is but of late she has been feeling unmoved by the things of God, she doesn’t seem to have lost her love for Jesus she said she still loves Him but it now feels like he is trying to be too close and she is feeling suffocated. This is one woman who has been principled with no compromise all through but lately she has been saying she is tired of being the only one who is trying to be real.
We were in a group and some people began to rebuke her and say she was being self-pitying and needs to grow up but someone else spoke up and said its true, Christians nowadays are the fakest bunch of people, they want to get into heaven while doing as much of the world’s stuff as they can. I thought about it and really this woman had a point. The funny thing was that at the end of our meal only me and another woman were left to comfort this other friend, everyone else ran away, suddenly someone had a commitment, kind of like the people Jesus talked about who could not go to the banquet.
I learnt that way that the church is the place with the most fakes and it broke my heart. Yet she has always been there to comfort people in their issues even the smallest ones, the boyfriend issues, etc. but when it comes to a matter of her soul, someone has to go water their flowers.
That is not real.
To be honest this friend has seen a lot of opposition and misunderstanding and some things have been made up about her just to get her to be less competition for valued spots in church and elsewhere. She has very few true friends and I am glad to say that she thinks I am one of them and I hope I live up to it. She is always getting phone calls from around the world with people and their issues, while we were talking yesterday some young woman called to tell her she was pregnant and I wondered how she was able to counsel the young woman. She actually later said she was starting not to care what choices people make because if God is allowing it why should she interfere.
I know that kind of exhaustion and frustration and its very real and should be taken care of as soon as its spotted. But I don’t think anyone should be blamed for feeling like that. The church is among the fakest places to be and as a matter of fact my husband for a long time refused to go to church because of what a let down it had been to him. I mean there is the normal hardship that people go through in churches because they are different and there are bound to be clashes with differences in personality. I am not talking about that. I am talking about instances where people don’t even care to try to live for God, thinking that as soon as they say the sinner’s prayer they are scot free to do anything and anyone.
If its possible to do all the world does and get into heaven, then why am I saved? What’s the point?
Its very agravating the way people twist the Bible nowadays, all I will say is pray for my friend and pray for all the Christians because its time for us to get real. We cant be praying in the morning and watching harry potter in the evening dancing to all kinds of sexually explicit music and sleeping with men or women.
Choose one way the narrow way or the highway and stick to it this story of balancing on the fence doesn’t cut it Christians we all need to get serious.
15.7.07
The explanation
I dont know if anyone reads this but there is an explanation for the silence.
Jim and I separated for a month. I found out many things that broke my heart and it was not so much the news but how i got it that sparked my hurt feelings. i might blog about it soon. Actually ill go ahead and say it because everyone knew except me.... Im still dealing with it, I got a phone call one day from someone telling me that "I have been trying to find Jim but I cant contact him so please let him know that his daughter is very sick and needs to see him because we are not sure if she will make it."
I first thought about Havi she was at school at the time so I put Shanna in the car and belted/strapped her in and drove to the school to pick her up... she was very happy to be going home early and she skipped to the car and sang all the way home. Okay so Havi was not sick and neither was Shanna......so what could this person mean.
When I got home I made some snacks for Havi and began to think about it......and I thought maybe these people made a mistake maybe it was a different Jim. But the woman had said both his names and she also mentioned his workplace. I thought maybe she mistook someone for Havi. But no it was not adding up, the only thing i knew is jim has a daughter somewhere and I didnt know about it. in other words, my loving, caring, sexy, successful husband, had cheated on me.
My friend Pea always used to tell me.... "When things in your marriage are going perfect, that's the time you need to pray the most." and Shengi always says, "Girl, your marriage is too good....are you sure its true?"
I was chopping onions to make some dinner, I will never forget that day I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and I can point to the exact tile on the kitchen floor where I was standing. I can tell u the smells, the sounds, the thoughts. I was still too shocked to begin crying but the onions helped me get started.
I put the knife on the counter and knelt on the floor in silence. Havi walked in pushing her sister in her "carrier", the one we bought because Havi insisted on having a hand in Shanna's upbringing. Shanna was crying. I heard Havi saying, "Shh, Mommy is praying so we have to be very quiet" and as if there was an angel there that knew i needed silence, Shanna went quiet.
I made dinner and freshened up in preparation for my husband. That night Jim came home and I was trying to be a Titus chapter 2 wife but there are some times when you cant be all that and one of those times is if you find ur man has had a secret for a long time and never let you in on it. I welcomed him and did everything the same. He held me close and I could feel a bulge down there, he said i was looking beautiful and started to kiss me but i pulled back tactfully. I took his coat, waited for him to sit down, turned on the TV, got his house slippers, knelt and took off his socks and shoes and gave him the slippers. I brought him something to drink and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes. He looked happy, I thought I was doing fine but he noticed I was not 100% and as I put his drink before him he leaned forward to kiss me and for the first time in my life I felt disgust on feeling his kiss. He asked if everything was ok and I said "Yeah why?" and he said I seemed like something was on my mind.
I set the table and told him his dinner was ready, by this time the girls were asleep, I thank God that Shanna unlike Havi operates under normal hours except the occasional nightly cry for a feed. She loves her sleep that one. We ate and I asked him the usual questions how was work how is his boss etc. He filled me in on how the day was but to be honest I cant remember a thing he said. I cleared the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, he went back to the living room and I got him his coffee.
I set it before him and as he took his first sip I asked him to turn off the tv.
"Why?" He said then he looked at me and saw my expression and turned it off.
"Someone called for you today."
He swished the coffee around in his mouth (I know, its a very annoying habit but i guess when u marry someone u marry the entire package) and swallowed it. "Really? Who?"
"That's what I want you to tell me."
"What did he or she say...."
"Your daughter is very sick and might not make it and you need to get in touch."
He tried to calmly put his coffee down but his hand was shaking so bad he spilt some on his lap. I could see he was fighting with two things, first his daughter was sick and second I knew about this daughter...
"What do you have to say about that." I asked him.
"Meleasa..." It was the first time in two and a half years that he was using my first name. The second time since we got married. So he knew he was in trouble.
Baby is crying i have to finish this later.
Jim and I separated for a month. I found out many things that broke my heart and it was not so much the news but how i got it that sparked my hurt feelings. i might blog about it soon. Actually ill go ahead and say it because everyone knew except me.... Im still dealing with it, I got a phone call one day from someone telling me that "I have been trying to find Jim but I cant contact him so please let him know that his daughter is very sick and needs to see him because we are not sure if she will make it."
I first thought about Havi she was at school at the time so I put Shanna in the car and belted/strapped her in and drove to the school to pick her up... she was very happy to be going home early and she skipped to the car and sang all the way home. Okay so Havi was not sick and neither was Shanna......so what could this person mean.
When I got home I made some snacks for Havi and began to think about it......and I thought maybe these people made a mistake maybe it was a different Jim. But the woman had said both his names and she also mentioned his workplace. I thought maybe she mistook someone for Havi. But no it was not adding up, the only thing i knew is jim has a daughter somewhere and I didnt know about it. in other words, my loving, caring, sexy, successful husband, had cheated on me.
My friend Pea always used to tell me.... "When things in your marriage are going perfect, that's the time you need to pray the most." and Shengi always says, "Girl, your marriage is too good....are you sure its true?"
I was chopping onions to make some dinner, I will never forget that day I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and I can point to the exact tile on the kitchen floor where I was standing. I can tell u the smells, the sounds, the thoughts. I was still too shocked to begin crying but the onions helped me get started.
I put the knife on the counter and knelt on the floor in silence. Havi walked in pushing her sister in her "carrier", the one we bought because Havi insisted on having a hand in Shanna's upbringing. Shanna was crying. I heard Havi saying, "Shh, Mommy is praying so we have to be very quiet" and as if there was an angel there that knew i needed silence, Shanna went quiet.
I made dinner and freshened up in preparation for my husband. That night Jim came home and I was trying to be a Titus chapter 2 wife but there are some times when you cant be all that and one of those times is if you find ur man has had a secret for a long time and never let you in on it. I welcomed him and did everything the same. He held me close and I could feel a bulge down there, he said i was looking beautiful and started to kiss me but i pulled back tactfully. I took his coat, waited for him to sit down, turned on the TV, got his house slippers, knelt and took off his socks and shoes and gave him the slippers. I brought him something to drink and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes. He looked happy, I thought I was doing fine but he noticed I was not 100% and as I put his drink before him he leaned forward to kiss me and for the first time in my life I felt disgust on feeling his kiss. He asked if everything was ok and I said "Yeah why?" and he said I seemed like something was on my mind.
I set the table and told him his dinner was ready, by this time the girls were asleep, I thank God that Shanna unlike Havi operates under normal hours except the occasional nightly cry for a feed. She loves her sleep that one. We ate and I asked him the usual questions how was work how is his boss etc. He filled me in on how the day was but to be honest I cant remember a thing he said. I cleared the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, he went back to the living room and I got him his coffee.
I set it before him and as he took his first sip I asked him to turn off the tv.
"Why?" He said then he looked at me and saw my expression and turned it off.
"Someone called for you today."
He swished the coffee around in his mouth (I know, its a very annoying habit but i guess when u marry someone u marry the entire package) and swallowed it. "Really? Who?"
"That's what I want you to tell me."
"What did he or she say...."
"Your daughter is very sick and might not make it and you need to get in touch."
He tried to calmly put his coffee down but his hand was shaking so bad he spilt some on his lap. I could see he was fighting with two things, first his daughter was sick and second I knew about this daughter...
"What do you have to say about that." I asked him.
"Meleasa..." It was the first time in two and a half years that he was using my first name. The second time since we got married. So he knew he was in trouble.
Baby is crying i have to finish this later.
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