There is this woman, I don’t know where she came from or what her point is, but all I know is she from my stats, is a Ugandan in texas and she has a Jezebel spirit. unfortunately she landed on my blog and decided to post her nonsense here, and because nobody will put her in her place, and I have time on my hands, am going to do it.
I don’t get why she is so jealous of everyone who has things going for them. she’s always trying to make people conflict, she’s always the one talking about who has lost their virginity, she’s the one posting comments by keitetsi on everyone’s blog, and she’s the one who goes around asking for advice on her marital problems on a blog, as if she doesn’t have a church. I wont have it. my friend pea blocked her comments from her blog and they have been redirected to some site and I think im going to d othe same, just because my husband and I have worked out our issues and she hasn’t, she is jealous – so what if Jim cheated on me, which he did? Jesus said adultery can be grounds for divorce, but it doesn’t have to be that way. we have a covenant we have chosen to honour and if you’re jealous why don’t you go and sort out your issues with your husband, this is why we should be careful who we marry because marital problems can make you start reading blogs when you should be taking care of the home, and then when your hubby acts up you get angry and start bringing up people’s pasts just because they shared. The reason you are anonymous is because you are a coward and your past is probably worse than anyones, your husband is probably cheating on you while your reading blogs, you need to find yourself a life and find Jesus, and take your problems to him not to other peoples blogs.
Stop being jealous, just coz I got mines doesn’t mean you cant get yours too – my marriage was tested because the devil found it to be a threat but Jim and I are still going strong and if anyone wishes to see us divorced let them dream on.
God bless anonymous I am not ashamed to admit you are the most irritating person on the face of this earth. I wont see any comments you post coz im going to block them from coming through so you can write to your hearts delight and vent – and then say a prayer about your life. you are a disgrace to Ugandan bloggers and its people like you who spoil their name – so many people think of the Ugandan blogosphere as childish just because of you and the likes of you. wisen up and find something to do.
Oh my gosh, Jim just walked by and looked at me and tipped my chin up with his finger and said, "I think your pregnant." !!!!!!
No wonder am so uppity about some anonymous person that wouldnt move me on a normal day if she farted in my face!
15.10.07
immense peace
Immense peace.
Ok so im the laziest blogger and I thought when I started I’d get like 3000 views a day. Yeah right!
First of all, the child that was supposedly Jims, wasent his! I met her and I wondered how she could be his daughter there was no resemblance whatsoever so being my stubborn self I insisted on a DNA test and what do you know – negative! So he had been supporting a child that was not his for almost ten years and now had to find a way to tear himself away from the issue without traumatizing her or not doing what God would expect of him.
Either way a lot of damage had been done.
Anyway, so I have been in ministry school for two years, not even thinking about it, when finally a few days before my graduation I see my friend pea’s blog! asking if women should be pastors. I thought, this is one of two things. Either the devil is trying to get me to disobey God, or God is warning me so I don’t disobey him. so I asked Jim about it and he reminded me of the time we had talked before I joined the school of ministry and how he said his spirit just didn’t feel right, and how I insisted on my way and he finally relented and said it was alright I could do it. so we decided to go through the Bible and I tell you it has been three days and three nights of no sleep, no food, no nothing just because we don’t want to do the wrong thing.
This morning as the sun began to rise Jim left our study for a while. He came back with some breakfast about half an hour later and he set it before me. I am cranky when am hungry and sleepy so to be both at the same time wouldnt be good. he told me to eat and get some sleep and I did, and when I woke up about four hours ago he cooked for me again, I found out he had taken the day off work just to talk to me, and he said, “Sweetie, you have been faced with the Bible. That is the final authority. Nomatter what every other person says, you will not be judged for what pastor so and so said, you will be judged by how you lived what JESUS said. And Jesus is the Word, you cant love Him and hate His word. so as far as im concerned, its pretty obvious you should forget this pastor thing – and I was wrong for not searching the scriptures earlier. But if you refuse to do whats right you will not have my support in sin.”
What? it was so scary. But we prayed and prayed and at the same time we opened our eyes and looked at each other and said “obedience is better than sacrifice” and we realized it was the right thing to do.
I have so much peace, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much peace, ive tried to talk to my friends about it but they are so hostile its impossible to even get them to read their bibles.
Thank God I found out in time!!!!!
Ok so im the laziest blogger and I thought when I started I’d get like 3000 views a day. Yeah right!
First of all, the child that was supposedly Jims, wasent his! I met her and I wondered how she could be his daughter there was no resemblance whatsoever so being my stubborn self I insisted on a DNA test and what do you know – negative! So he had been supporting a child that was not his for almost ten years and now had to find a way to tear himself away from the issue without traumatizing her or not doing what God would expect of him.
Either way a lot of damage had been done.
Anyway, so I have been in ministry school for two years, not even thinking about it, when finally a few days before my graduation I see my friend pea’s blog! asking if women should be pastors. I thought, this is one of two things. Either the devil is trying to get me to disobey God, or God is warning me so I don’t disobey him. so I asked Jim about it and he reminded me of the time we had talked before I joined the school of ministry and how he said his spirit just didn’t feel right, and how I insisted on my way and he finally relented and said it was alright I could do it. so we decided to go through the Bible and I tell you it has been three days and three nights of no sleep, no food, no nothing just because we don’t want to do the wrong thing.
This morning as the sun began to rise Jim left our study for a while. He came back with some breakfast about half an hour later and he set it before me. I am cranky when am hungry and sleepy so to be both at the same time wouldnt be good. he told me to eat and get some sleep and I did, and when I woke up about four hours ago he cooked for me again, I found out he had taken the day off work just to talk to me, and he said, “Sweetie, you have been faced with the Bible. That is the final authority. Nomatter what every other person says, you will not be judged for what pastor so and so said, you will be judged by how you lived what JESUS said. And Jesus is the Word, you cant love Him and hate His word. so as far as im concerned, its pretty obvious you should forget this pastor thing – and I was wrong for not searching the scriptures earlier. But if you refuse to do whats right you will not have my support in sin.”
What? it was so scary. But we prayed and prayed and at the same time we opened our eyes and looked at each other and said “obedience is better than sacrifice” and we realized it was the right thing to do.
I have so much peace, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much peace, ive tried to talk to my friends about it but they are so hostile its impossible to even get them to read their bibles.
Thank God I found out in time!!!!!
26.7.07
What EXACTLY is an Unbeliever?
1 Cor ch. 6 vs 14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?15And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?16And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.17Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.18And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.
So what is an unbeliever exactly? What do you call someone who is not exactly born again, but beleives in God? what do you call someone who was once born again but got choked by the things of this world?
And are all these people the same as someone who has never believed in Christ?
And are all THESE people the same as someone who knows God exists but rejects him?
Because James said even the demons believe! And they tremble! So are demons unbelievers?
Someone tlak to me
So what is an unbeliever exactly? What do you call someone who is not exactly born again, but beleives in God? what do you call someone who was once born again but got choked by the things of this world?
And are all these people the same as someone who has never believed in Christ?
And are all THESE people the same as someone who knows God exists but rejects him?
Because James said even the demons believe! And they tremble! So are demons unbelievers?
Someone tlak to me
25.7.07
part 2
Golly me, people actually do read my blog, I was surprised to see comments. Okay so where was I.
Jim put his coffee down and looked for words but he stuttered for about ten good minutes and I did not say anything I just sat there and looked at him and the tears said it all. Cheating tears or rather tears that flow when u find you have been cheated on, are not the same as other tears. They are different from tears of joy and tears of sadness. they are like a mixture of regret and hatred and shock. They are hot, they actually burn your skin and by the way the next day I had two rash streaks down my cheeks because of them.
Jim tried to get up and give me a hug but I told him not to even think about getting close to me. I frankly did not trust myself not to slap him or hit him or pour his coffee on him. I forgot to mention I had grabbed a pillow earlier and all this time I was hugging it with all my strength.
He could not say anything. After his stutters, he fell into a long silence and I wanted to say so many things but its wrong to do that you might blaspheme and that would not be right. So when I was finally sure I could open my mouth without a curse coming out… not a curse word, a curse where I say may this and this happen… when I could finally open my mouth, I asked how he could do this to me. And I asked how old his daughter is. He said she is nine.
My stomach and my heart exchanged places I think. I asked when he found out about her. He said he knew even when her mother was pregnant. I am glad he did not try to lie to me because I know him too well and I would have caught him and that would have made things worse.
I told him I was going to be honest. “This house cannot contain both of us tonight.” I said one of us would have to find alternative accommodation. And because I did not want to inconvenience him, I told him I was willing to find a place to spend the night if he would take care of the girls, give them breakfast and all of that. I had already weighed my options. I would probably have had to take Shanna with me. Thankfully he decided to leave. I told him not to forget to go and see his daughter as soon as he could. He said he was checking into the Marriot Marquis. I said I did not care where he was going so long as he got out of my sight.
So he left.
Twenty minutes later, he was back. I was in my room praying when I heard a knock. I thought it was Havi so I said come in. And it was Jim. He said, “I came back to give you a good night hug.” I said, “Good night what? You have ruined my next million nights.”
I was trying my best to stay calm and not fight because I am a Titus 2 wife, remember. And I had vowed on my wedding day not to do things like other women. But the urge to hit him was so strong. I put my head back on the ground and continued to pray. And because I was so over whelmed the tongues came out like rapids of water. And I felt an amount of peace. i dont know how long he was there but when i finished praying he had left.
The next day, my friend came over. She was bringing me high-lighters. Ha I know its funny but we are sticklers for Bible high-lighting, and my yellow and green just didn’t pop so I asked where she got hers and she promised to get me a few packs. So she let herself in and put some water in the kettle. “Something feels different, how’s Jim?” I said he was fine, everyone was fine. Havi was already in school. We made our usual chit chat and then we sat down to tea. Our favourite part of every visit we pay each other.
And then she said, “So what’s up!”
And I tried to wriggle my way out of it and she said she knew as soon as she walked in the door that something was wrong and maybe God sent her to pray with me. I put Shanna in her hands to distract her. It worked for about ten minutes of “goo goo, gaga,” baby talk. And then she said, “So what’s up!” and I told her what was up. She is maybe five years younger than me so she keeps telling me she can’t advise me but I keep asking her for advice.
We prayed and asked God to speak to me and show me what to do. I was shocked that she cried with me but you know there are some friends who have this ability to put themselves in your shoes and cry for you and am so thankful for her for that reason.
A few weeks later, I decided to quit my job and move out of the house. It was getting too expensive for Jim to stay at the hotel every day and I still didn't want to see or be near him. So I got an apartment which he offered to pay for but I told him to keep his money. Now in the process of those few weeks I found out that Freida, the mother of the nine year old girl whose name is Faith, is someone I know. She used to work with me for seven months. And everyone knew that she and Jim had something, except me. because it didn’t end, and was back and forth even when we were married.
I struggled to try and understand that this man, who is a worshipper, a prayer warrior, calls himself a child of God, could do this to the mother of his children, or should I say the mothers of his children. At the same time I am very young, I thought goodness is this the start of a harrowing divorce process. I was not ready for it. I knew it would break me if I ever got a divorce.
During the month and a half of our separation, I spent every single day in worship and I was reminded that we are not perfect, we never will be. And just because someone keeps a secret from his wife, that doesn’t make him worse than the person who steals an eraser. It’s all sin. So I came to terms with my own imperfection and tried to see where I might have gone wrong or how I may have contributed to Jim’s fear of telling me.
It’s not the same between us anymore, there are no more laughs, its just me going through the motions because I got married and am now stuck with him. I hope that one day I will heal, but until then I just have to keep keeping on being a Titus 2 wife on the days I feel like it and on the days I don’t. i will try not to be bitter and I will try to live my best and run the race.
God loves Jim even with his past. As a Christian there is no room for me to brag, and I have no excuse for not loving. He is my husband. I love him. I will love him always. And we will hurt each other. But we will overcome. Even if i smile less nowadays and i dont trust him one bit i know i will get there and if not on earth then so be it, in heaven we will experience perfection.
Sooooo, that’s the reason for my silence!
Jim put his coffee down and looked for words but he stuttered for about ten good minutes and I did not say anything I just sat there and looked at him and the tears said it all. Cheating tears or rather tears that flow when u find you have been cheated on, are not the same as other tears. They are different from tears of joy and tears of sadness. they are like a mixture of regret and hatred and shock. They are hot, they actually burn your skin and by the way the next day I had two rash streaks down my cheeks because of them.
Jim tried to get up and give me a hug but I told him not to even think about getting close to me. I frankly did not trust myself not to slap him or hit him or pour his coffee on him. I forgot to mention I had grabbed a pillow earlier and all this time I was hugging it with all my strength.
He could not say anything. After his stutters, he fell into a long silence and I wanted to say so many things but its wrong to do that you might blaspheme and that would not be right. So when I was finally sure I could open my mouth without a curse coming out… not a curse word, a curse where I say may this and this happen… when I could finally open my mouth, I asked how he could do this to me. And I asked how old his daughter is. He said she is nine.
My stomach and my heart exchanged places I think. I asked when he found out about her. He said he knew even when her mother was pregnant. I am glad he did not try to lie to me because I know him too well and I would have caught him and that would have made things worse.
I told him I was going to be honest. “This house cannot contain both of us tonight.” I said one of us would have to find alternative accommodation. And because I did not want to inconvenience him, I told him I was willing to find a place to spend the night if he would take care of the girls, give them breakfast and all of that. I had already weighed my options. I would probably have had to take Shanna with me. Thankfully he decided to leave. I told him not to forget to go and see his daughter as soon as he could. He said he was checking into the Marriot Marquis. I said I did not care where he was going so long as he got out of my sight.
So he left.
Twenty minutes later, he was back. I was in my room praying when I heard a knock. I thought it was Havi so I said come in. And it was Jim. He said, “I came back to give you a good night hug.” I said, “Good night what? You have ruined my next million nights.”
I was trying my best to stay calm and not fight because I am a Titus 2 wife, remember. And I had vowed on my wedding day not to do things like other women. But the urge to hit him was so strong. I put my head back on the ground and continued to pray. And because I was so over whelmed the tongues came out like rapids of water. And I felt an amount of peace. i dont know how long he was there but when i finished praying he had left.
The next day, my friend came over. She was bringing me high-lighters. Ha I know its funny but we are sticklers for Bible high-lighting, and my yellow and green just didn’t pop so I asked where she got hers and she promised to get me a few packs. So she let herself in and put some water in the kettle. “Something feels different, how’s Jim?” I said he was fine, everyone was fine. Havi was already in school. We made our usual chit chat and then we sat down to tea. Our favourite part of every visit we pay each other.
And then she said, “So what’s up!”
And I tried to wriggle my way out of it and she said she knew as soon as she walked in the door that something was wrong and maybe God sent her to pray with me. I put Shanna in her hands to distract her. It worked for about ten minutes of “goo goo, gaga,” baby talk. And then she said, “So what’s up!” and I told her what was up. She is maybe five years younger than me so she keeps telling me she can’t advise me but I keep asking her for advice.
We prayed and asked God to speak to me and show me what to do. I was shocked that she cried with me but you know there are some friends who have this ability to put themselves in your shoes and cry for you and am so thankful for her for that reason.
A few weeks later, I decided to quit my job and move out of the house. It was getting too expensive for Jim to stay at the hotel every day and I still didn't want to see or be near him. So I got an apartment which he offered to pay for but I told him to keep his money. Now in the process of those few weeks I found out that Freida, the mother of the nine year old girl whose name is Faith, is someone I know. She used to work with me for seven months. And everyone knew that she and Jim had something, except me. because it didn’t end, and was back and forth even when we were married.
I struggled to try and understand that this man, who is a worshipper, a prayer warrior, calls himself a child of God, could do this to the mother of his children, or should I say the mothers of his children. At the same time I am very young, I thought goodness is this the start of a harrowing divorce process. I was not ready for it. I knew it would break me if I ever got a divorce.
During the month and a half of our separation, I spent every single day in worship and I was reminded that we are not perfect, we never will be. And just because someone keeps a secret from his wife, that doesn’t make him worse than the person who steals an eraser. It’s all sin. So I came to terms with my own imperfection and tried to see where I might have gone wrong or how I may have contributed to Jim’s fear of telling me.
It’s not the same between us anymore, there are no more laughs, its just me going through the motions because I got married and am now stuck with him. I hope that one day I will heal, but until then I just have to keep keeping on being a Titus 2 wife on the days I feel like it and on the days I don’t. i will try not to be bitter and I will try to live my best and run the race.
God loves Jim even with his past. As a Christian there is no room for me to brag, and I have no excuse for not loving. He is my husband. I love him. I will love him always. And we will hurt each other. But we will overcome. Even if i smile less nowadays and i dont trust him one bit i know i will get there and if not on earth then so be it, in heaven we will experience perfection.
Sooooo, that’s the reason for my silence!
20.7.07
At this rate i might also quit the church
Really I should be continuing my other entry and I will but something else happened in this world of mine.
Its amazing how many people nowadays don’t’want to be Christians, its also amazing how organizations like the ACLU and freedom from religion don’t hate on any religious group except Christians. I thought about it yesterday and I actually think some of these people are justified for the things they feel, a little bit.
A friend of mine is going through a tough time and we spoke about it yesterday. Its so intresting because this is a woman of God who has loved Jesus the whole time I have known her, done things for people and is just a trail blazer in more ways than one.
I don’t know what it is but of late she has been feeling unmoved by the things of God, she doesn’t seem to have lost her love for Jesus she said she still loves Him but it now feels like he is trying to be too close and she is feeling suffocated. This is one woman who has been principled with no compromise all through but lately she has been saying she is tired of being the only one who is trying to be real.
We were in a group and some people began to rebuke her and say she was being self-pitying and needs to grow up but someone else spoke up and said its true, Christians nowadays are the fakest bunch of people, they want to get into heaven while doing as much of the world’s stuff as they can. I thought about it and really this woman had a point. The funny thing was that at the end of our meal only me and another woman were left to comfort this other friend, everyone else ran away, suddenly someone had a commitment, kind of like the people Jesus talked about who could not go to the banquet.
I learnt that way that the church is the place with the most fakes and it broke my heart. Yet she has always been there to comfort people in their issues even the smallest ones, the boyfriend issues, etc. but when it comes to a matter of her soul, someone has to go water their flowers.
That is not real.
To be honest this friend has seen a lot of opposition and misunderstanding and some things have been made up about her just to get her to be less competition for valued spots in church and elsewhere. She has very few true friends and I am glad to say that she thinks I am one of them and I hope I live up to it. She is always getting phone calls from around the world with people and their issues, while we were talking yesterday some young woman called to tell her she was pregnant and I wondered how she was able to counsel the young woman. She actually later said she was starting not to care what choices people make because if God is allowing it why should she interfere.
I know that kind of exhaustion and frustration and its very real and should be taken care of as soon as its spotted. But I don’t think anyone should be blamed for feeling like that. The church is among the fakest places to be and as a matter of fact my husband for a long time refused to go to church because of what a let down it had been to him. I mean there is the normal hardship that people go through in churches because they are different and there are bound to be clashes with differences in personality. I am not talking about that. I am talking about instances where people don’t even care to try to live for God, thinking that as soon as they say the sinner’s prayer they are scot free to do anything and anyone.
If its possible to do all the world does and get into heaven, then why am I saved? What’s the point?
Its very agravating the way people twist the Bible nowadays, all I will say is pray for my friend and pray for all the Christians because its time for us to get real. We cant be praying in the morning and watching harry potter in the evening dancing to all kinds of sexually explicit music and sleeping with men or women.
Choose one way the narrow way or the highway and stick to it this story of balancing on the fence doesn’t cut it Christians we all need to get serious.
Its amazing how many people nowadays don’t’want to be Christians, its also amazing how organizations like the ACLU and freedom from religion don’t hate on any religious group except Christians. I thought about it yesterday and I actually think some of these people are justified for the things they feel, a little bit.
A friend of mine is going through a tough time and we spoke about it yesterday. Its so intresting because this is a woman of God who has loved Jesus the whole time I have known her, done things for people and is just a trail blazer in more ways than one.
I don’t know what it is but of late she has been feeling unmoved by the things of God, she doesn’t seem to have lost her love for Jesus she said she still loves Him but it now feels like he is trying to be too close and she is feeling suffocated. This is one woman who has been principled with no compromise all through but lately she has been saying she is tired of being the only one who is trying to be real.
We were in a group and some people began to rebuke her and say she was being self-pitying and needs to grow up but someone else spoke up and said its true, Christians nowadays are the fakest bunch of people, they want to get into heaven while doing as much of the world’s stuff as they can. I thought about it and really this woman had a point. The funny thing was that at the end of our meal only me and another woman were left to comfort this other friend, everyone else ran away, suddenly someone had a commitment, kind of like the people Jesus talked about who could not go to the banquet.
I learnt that way that the church is the place with the most fakes and it broke my heart. Yet she has always been there to comfort people in their issues even the smallest ones, the boyfriend issues, etc. but when it comes to a matter of her soul, someone has to go water their flowers.
That is not real.
To be honest this friend has seen a lot of opposition and misunderstanding and some things have been made up about her just to get her to be less competition for valued spots in church and elsewhere. She has very few true friends and I am glad to say that she thinks I am one of them and I hope I live up to it. She is always getting phone calls from around the world with people and their issues, while we were talking yesterday some young woman called to tell her she was pregnant and I wondered how she was able to counsel the young woman. She actually later said she was starting not to care what choices people make because if God is allowing it why should she interfere.
I know that kind of exhaustion and frustration and its very real and should be taken care of as soon as its spotted. But I don’t think anyone should be blamed for feeling like that. The church is among the fakest places to be and as a matter of fact my husband for a long time refused to go to church because of what a let down it had been to him. I mean there is the normal hardship that people go through in churches because they are different and there are bound to be clashes with differences in personality. I am not talking about that. I am talking about instances where people don’t even care to try to live for God, thinking that as soon as they say the sinner’s prayer they are scot free to do anything and anyone.
If its possible to do all the world does and get into heaven, then why am I saved? What’s the point?
Its very agravating the way people twist the Bible nowadays, all I will say is pray for my friend and pray for all the Christians because its time for us to get real. We cant be praying in the morning and watching harry potter in the evening dancing to all kinds of sexually explicit music and sleeping with men or women.
Choose one way the narrow way or the highway and stick to it this story of balancing on the fence doesn’t cut it Christians we all need to get serious.
15.7.07
The explanation
I dont know if anyone reads this but there is an explanation for the silence.
Jim and I separated for a month. I found out many things that broke my heart and it was not so much the news but how i got it that sparked my hurt feelings. i might blog about it soon. Actually ill go ahead and say it because everyone knew except me.... Im still dealing with it, I got a phone call one day from someone telling me that "I have been trying to find Jim but I cant contact him so please let him know that his daughter is very sick and needs to see him because we are not sure if she will make it."
I first thought about Havi she was at school at the time so I put Shanna in the car and belted/strapped her in and drove to the school to pick her up... she was very happy to be going home early and she skipped to the car and sang all the way home. Okay so Havi was not sick and neither was Shanna......so what could this person mean.
When I got home I made some snacks for Havi and began to think about it......and I thought maybe these people made a mistake maybe it was a different Jim. But the woman had said both his names and she also mentioned his workplace. I thought maybe she mistook someone for Havi. But no it was not adding up, the only thing i knew is jim has a daughter somewhere and I didnt know about it. in other words, my loving, caring, sexy, successful husband, had cheated on me.
My friend Pea always used to tell me.... "When things in your marriage are going perfect, that's the time you need to pray the most." and Shengi always says, "Girl, your marriage is too good....are you sure its true?"
I was chopping onions to make some dinner, I will never forget that day I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and I can point to the exact tile on the kitchen floor where I was standing. I can tell u the smells, the sounds, the thoughts. I was still too shocked to begin crying but the onions helped me get started.
I put the knife on the counter and knelt on the floor in silence. Havi walked in pushing her sister in her "carrier", the one we bought because Havi insisted on having a hand in Shanna's upbringing. Shanna was crying. I heard Havi saying, "Shh, Mommy is praying so we have to be very quiet" and as if there was an angel there that knew i needed silence, Shanna went quiet.
I made dinner and freshened up in preparation for my husband. That night Jim came home and I was trying to be a Titus chapter 2 wife but there are some times when you cant be all that and one of those times is if you find ur man has had a secret for a long time and never let you in on it. I welcomed him and did everything the same. He held me close and I could feel a bulge down there, he said i was looking beautiful and started to kiss me but i pulled back tactfully. I took his coat, waited for him to sit down, turned on the TV, got his house slippers, knelt and took off his socks and shoes and gave him the slippers. I brought him something to drink and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes. He looked happy, I thought I was doing fine but he noticed I was not 100% and as I put his drink before him he leaned forward to kiss me and for the first time in my life I felt disgust on feeling his kiss. He asked if everything was ok and I said "Yeah why?" and he said I seemed like something was on my mind.
I set the table and told him his dinner was ready, by this time the girls were asleep, I thank God that Shanna unlike Havi operates under normal hours except the occasional nightly cry for a feed. She loves her sleep that one. We ate and I asked him the usual questions how was work how is his boss etc. He filled me in on how the day was but to be honest I cant remember a thing he said. I cleared the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, he went back to the living room and I got him his coffee.
I set it before him and as he took his first sip I asked him to turn off the tv.
"Why?" He said then he looked at me and saw my expression and turned it off.
"Someone called for you today."
He swished the coffee around in his mouth (I know, its a very annoying habit but i guess when u marry someone u marry the entire package) and swallowed it. "Really? Who?"
"That's what I want you to tell me."
"What did he or she say...."
"Your daughter is very sick and might not make it and you need to get in touch."
He tried to calmly put his coffee down but his hand was shaking so bad he spilt some on his lap. I could see he was fighting with two things, first his daughter was sick and second I knew about this daughter...
"What do you have to say about that." I asked him.
"Meleasa..." It was the first time in two and a half years that he was using my first name. The second time since we got married. So he knew he was in trouble.
Baby is crying i have to finish this later.
Jim and I separated for a month. I found out many things that broke my heart and it was not so much the news but how i got it that sparked my hurt feelings. i might blog about it soon. Actually ill go ahead and say it because everyone knew except me.... Im still dealing with it, I got a phone call one day from someone telling me that "I have been trying to find Jim but I cant contact him so please let him know that his daughter is very sick and needs to see him because we are not sure if she will make it."
I first thought about Havi she was at school at the time so I put Shanna in the car and belted/strapped her in and drove to the school to pick her up... she was very happy to be going home early and she skipped to the car and sang all the way home. Okay so Havi was not sick and neither was Shanna......so what could this person mean.
When I got home I made some snacks for Havi and began to think about it......and I thought maybe these people made a mistake maybe it was a different Jim. But the woman had said both his names and she also mentioned his workplace. I thought maybe she mistook someone for Havi. But no it was not adding up, the only thing i knew is jim has a daughter somewhere and I didnt know about it. in other words, my loving, caring, sexy, successful husband, had cheated on me.
My friend Pea always used to tell me.... "When things in your marriage are going perfect, that's the time you need to pray the most." and Shengi always says, "Girl, your marriage is too good....are you sure its true?"
I was chopping onions to make some dinner, I will never forget that day I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and I can point to the exact tile on the kitchen floor where I was standing. I can tell u the smells, the sounds, the thoughts. I was still too shocked to begin crying but the onions helped me get started.
I put the knife on the counter and knelt on the floor in silence. Havi walked in pushing her sister in her "carrier", the one we bought because Havi insisted on having a hand in Shanna's upbringing. Shanna was crying. I heard Havi saying, "Shh, Mommy is praying so we have to be very quiet" and as if there was an angel there that knew i needed silence, Shanna went quiet.
I made dinner and freshened up in preparation for my husband. That night Jim came home and I was trying to be a Titus chapter 2 wife but there are some times when you cant be all that and one of those times is if you find ur man has had a secret for a long time and never let you in on it. I welcomed him and did everything the same. He held me close and I could feel a bulge down there, he said i was looking beautiful and started to kiss me but i pulled back tactfully. I took his coat, waited for him to sit down, turned on the TV, got his house slippers, knelt and took off his socks and shoes and gave him the slippers. I brought him something to drink and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes. He looked happy, I thought I was doing fine but he noticed I was not 100% and as I put his drink before him he leaned forward to kiss me and for the first time in my life I felt disgust on feeling his kiss. He asked if everything was ok and I said "Yeah why?" and he said I seemed like something was on my mind.
I set the table and told him his dinner was ready, by this time the girls were asleep, I thank God that Shanna unlike Havi operates under normal hours except the occasional nightly cry for a feed. She loves her sleep that one. We ate and I asked him the usual questions how was work how is his boss etc. He filled me in on how the day was but to be honest I cant remember a thing he said. I cleared the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, he went back to the living room and I got him his coffee.
I set it before him and as he took his first sip I asked him to turn off the tv.
"Why?" He said then he looked at me and saw my expression and turned it off.
"Someone called for you today."
He swished the coffee around in his mouth (I know, its a very annoying habit but i guess when u marry someone u marry the entire package) and swallowed it. "Really? Who?"
"That's what I want you to tell me."
"What did he or she say...."
"Your daughter is very sick and might not make it and you need to get in touch."
He tried to calmly put his coffee down but his hand was shaking so bad he spilt some on his lap. I could see he was fighting with two things, first his daughter was sick and second I knew about this daughter...
"What do you have to say about that." I asked him.
"Meleasa..." It was the first time in two and a half years that he was using my first name. The second time since we got married. So he knew he was in trouble.
Baby is crying i have to finish this later.
5.5.07
Quote
The men whose manhood you have broken will loathe you, and will always be brooding and scheming to strike a fresh blow. James Larkin
6.4.07
Mother
Shoshanna is a month and a half old now. Already. She is beautiful. The big eyes continue to run in the family. I love my babies. It gives me the greatest joy seeing them and remembering the moment they were created - an explosion of love! A genuine covenant and legal at that. Its fulfilling. I was a virgin for more than 20 years so I don't know if making love before marriage is any fun but I can tell you the wait is worth it!
I look at my baby girls and especially when they are with their proud daddy. What a beautiful bond. He seems eager to make another one, the way he jumped on me as soon as the six weeks "grace period" was over (two days ago). That man loves me.
I am really at an ecstatic phase in my life and I think thats a great thing. Going over to Pursuit of Pea.ce and reminding myself that joy is a choice was a highlight in my week.
God bless one and all!
Phelz.
I look at my baby girls and especially when they are with their proud daddy. What a beautiful bond. He seems eager to make another one, the way he jumped on me as soon as the six weeks "grace period" was over (two days ago). That man loves me.
I am really at an ecstatic phase in my life and I think thats a great thing. Going over to Pursuit of Pea.ce and reminding myself that joy is a choice was a highlight in my week.
God bless one and all!
Phelz.
1.2.07
Miss 3000
Cant make 3000 views a day. It's too high an ambition. Where do people find all the blog entries they blog?
Why is tyra banks being bugged for putting on a few pounds? whats with this fear of a little flesh on the bones?
I will be back when I think up something important.
Why is tyra banks being bugged for putting on a few pounds? whats with this fear of a little flesh on the bones?
I will be back when I think up something important.
28.1.07
26.1.07
Baby Name Blame Game
This is becoming too much! Jim and I can’t agree on names for our baby. Coupled with the fact that we don’t even know if “he’s a he or she’s a she,” haha, this just makes things COMPLICATED!
Blame:
Blame:
First of all, we had a huge fight because I found out he went behind my back and tried to find out the baby’s sex last week! I was SO mad! Have been mad at him for days now, but today I woke up and realized I am being irrational and over reacting a bit. He has apologized profusely and the number of roses all over my house is limit less so I think the man has suffered enough but I worry that we might have trust issues. We had a long talk last night and hopefully nothing like this will happen again.
Name:
Name:
We can’t agree! We know that God values names so we want to give our baby a name that will ‘prophesy’ his or her life. But then also Jim wants us to use names from our families, like we did for Ahava. Who is reading this? HELP!
Game:
Game:
Names in our family: We practically had to list them!
JAMES AND MELEASA
JAMES AND MELEASA
From our families:
JIM'S Parents: Jeremiah and Patience, both Luo.
Brothers
Jeffrey, Joel, John and Jim.
Indigenous: Milanya, Kidenda, Opondo, Jadier
JIM'S Parents: Jeremiah and Patience, both Luo.
Brothers
Jeffrey, Joel, John and Jim.
Indigenous: Milanya, Kidenda, Opondo, Jadier
Sisters:
Angela, Tiffany, Kellice and Gillian.
Indigenous: Nyahera, Awinja, Akinyi, Waga.
MY FAMILY:
Parents:
Sobhuza and Kagiso, from Swaziland and Lesotho respectivelyBrothers
Edward, Jerome,
Indigenous: Msimudze, She’she
sisters:
Sharon, Finesse, Meleasa (pronounced [muh-leeza]),
Indigenous: Tibati, Tsandzile, Phelele (pronounced Pe-le-le, not Felele)
OF COURSE we cannot use our own names so four names are excluded from the lists
This is only the immediate family mind you! Then we have the Biblical/Hebrew names of which I can accept ONLY:
Abraham, Aaron, Reu’el and Isaiah
For a guy and
For a guy and
Hadassah and Devorah
for a girl.
And we have WEEKS before our visitor is here! I am due Feb 17! What shall we do!
17.1.07
Sha! The headaches of pregnancy
Helele batho! ; Hello people; assuming at least more than one (me) reads this. I am on strike! And as such, I am going to blog about all who are trying to send me into a very ceremonious case of early labour! I want to carry this baby to term, premature births have complications, or so I hear.
First of all, it’s like I have 1000 mothers.
First of all, it’s like I have 1000 mothers.
MME.
Yes, my real mother. She seems to have forgotten that she already bore and raised me and it is time for me to fly like a bird on the wings she watched me grow. She is always meddling and I know it is love but at first, I remember wanting to lock my house and pretend I was not there even though I knew she had flown across the seas to come and visit- read take care of- me for a few weeks. Now that she’s gone home, I miss her, especially during those moments where I have no energy to do much and am really thirsty but can’t get Jim to make me a smoothie because he is watching a game and I don’t want to disturb him. Mme would take one look at me and decided I needed a smoothie or a meal or vitamins. I think I should blame her for the fact that my weight almost exceeds the capacity of the weighing scale. So Mme, this is supposed to be a complaint but on proper thought, I have found that I should not be on strike against you, you should call a protest against me and my unappreciative ways. I actually retrace my steps and say, I appreciate her.
JIM
My husband, Jim is a mixture of sweet and loving and energetic and protective but there is something that changes when I am pregnant, I sometimes wish that he could get eye glasses and look at me nicely to see that I am not an egg! He calls me three times a day, when he gets to work, when he’s having his lunch and just before he leaves. I go to work three times a week for now, because of this belly that now even prevents me from seeing my toes. When Jim calls, usually I am in the balcony, enjoying this unseasonably warm weather which today decided to go frosty cold! Anyway half the time, my cell'ar phone is elsewhere so I remember it and have to get up and hobble along to find it, by which time it has stopped ringing so I turn and walk back to the balcony and then the landline begins to ring and I think, does this man want to kill me! Anyway we worked it out with a small remote control like gadget that enables me to answer my phone within a certain radius of the house. Trust Jim to find such a contraption. He tells me I look beautiful all the time but that there is something spectacular about me when I am pregnant. I think that he thinks I am concerned about how I look but I really am not, I just don’t want to increase any health risks that I might already have. It is sweet of him to pay me such compliments though. This is supposed to be a complaint against him but on proper thought, I have found that indeed he should be on strike against me and my unappreciative ways so I take the complaining back and appreciate my husband. I know that in a few weeks I will be punching him with each contraction as he tries to get me to a doctor so to make it easier for him to forget the punching, I will shower him with love before the big L. He already gets sympathy pains and even got sympathy morning sickness back last year. He is special, that one. I can't understand it in fact the other day he missed a day of basketball with the neighbours kids because he felt like he was in labour! How is that for true love. He feels my pain even when it is nonexistant.
MOSES MY BROTHER.
Yes, my real mother. She seems to have forgotten that she already bore and raised me and it is time for me to fly like a bird on the wings she watched me grow. She is always meddling and I know it is love but at first, I remember wanting to lock my house and pretend I was not there even though I knew she had flown across the seas to come and visit- read take care of- me for a few weeks. Now that she’s gone home, I miss her, especially during those moments where I have no energy to do much and am really thirsty but can’t get Jim to make me a smoothie because he is watching a game and I don’t want to disturb him. Mme would take one look at me and decided I needed a smoothie or a meal or vitamins. I think I should blame her for the fact that my weight almost exceeds the capacity of the weighing scale. So Mme, this is supposed to be a complaint but on proper thought, I have found that I should not be on strike against you, you should call a protest against me and my unappreciative ways. I actually retrace my steps and say, I appreciate her.
JIM
My husband, Jim is a mixture of sweet and loving and energetic and protective but there is something that changes when I am pregnant, I sometimes wish that he could get eye glasses and look at me nicely to see that I am not an egg! He calls me three times a day, when he gets to work, when he’s having his lunch and just before he leaves. I go to work three times a week for now, because of this belly that now even prevents me from seeing my toes. When Jim calls, usually I am in the balcony, enjoying this unseasonably warm weather which today decided to go frosty cold! Anyway half the time, my cell'ar phone is elsewhere so I remember it and have to get up and hobble along to find it, by which time it has stopped ringing so I turn and walk back to the balcony and then the landline begins to ring and I think, does this man want to kill me! Anyway we worked it out with a small remote control like gadget that enables me to answer my phone within a certain radius of the house. Trust Jim to find such a contraption. He tells me I look beautiful all the time but that there is something spectacular about me when I am pregnant. I think that he thinks I am concerned about how I look but I really am not, I just don’t want to increase any health risks that I might already have. It is sweet of him to pay me such compliments though. This is supposed to be a complaint against him but on proper thought, I have found that indeed he should be on strike against me and my unappreciative ways so I take the complaining back and appreciate my husband. I know that in a few weeks I will be punching him with each contraction as he tries to get me to a doctor so to make it easier for him to forget the punching, I will shower him with love before the big L. He already gets sympathy pains and even got sympathy morning sickness back last year. He is special, that one. I can't understand it in fact the other day he missed a day of basketball with the neighbours kids because he felt like he was in labour! How is that for true love. He feels my pain even when it is nonexistant.
MOSES MY BROTHER.
Sha Moses thinks my condition is the Red Sea and everything must be beaten to senselessness with his staff! He is also on a quest to jeopardize my already suffering figure with his sneaked pizza parties and the lovely subs he brings me from the restaurant near his temporary office- In Texas! Can you imagine the man does not trust me enough to take care of myself, or my husband to take care of me, he has already made four trips in seven and three quarter months across the country to see me! Does the man care that flight travel is not so safe anymore? No. Does he seem to understand that I have a husband who loves and is taking good care of me? No. it’s like when we were little! He was always ratting on me, she did this she did that, and it’s like now he comes to peek so that he can call Mbabane and tell Mme what I have been up to. However, I think about it, how many brothers would do that for their sister. And I am still trying to figure out how this guy brings a sub from Texas still hot. How is that possible, and where will I get the subs when his contract ends in April and it is time to go back to Mbabane? I cannot strike against him, he is too special and I love him too much.
PEA
She is 5 years younger than me which kind of goes against the rules of women aged between 20 and 30 but this one! Among my best friends, she is constantly trying to make sure everything is fine, as if Mme is not enough! She is the one that reminds me always that I am not an egg and I need to be healthy for easy shedding of the pounds and pounds that I have gained. She called me tonight to tell me she has began the dreaded Music Production and Sound Engineering class and she seemed like she was unsure what lay ahead but was confident that she would make it. She is very busy and has been unwell but is getting better. With her life which is that of a true New Yorker she still finds time somehow and comes to my house three times a week and we go walking, many times I ask if she is walking me back to Swaziland and she tells me how God smote the Israelites when they complained. I have walked these past few months, I think my calves are increasing in size no wonder my legs feel heavy. She has also cooked for me and Jim, she is like our new maid without pay and I dare not write that here because she will start charging me per hour for meals. Before our walk, she cleans the house, makes breakfast for Ahava, sometimes takes her to the salon or to get ice cream or to the park, then comes back and off we go, me, her and Ahava, for our walk, then we come to the house and have a healthy snack, this is the source of all my smoothie recipes and the sole reason I have forgotten the taste of things like Ketepa tea. We pray a lot and I think as the belly gets bigger its like the prayers get longer or the patience wanes I don’t know. However I know that I should be nice because one day she might be famous and I’ll need to say I know her. So instead of complaining about her walking me to Mbabane, I should be appreciative that it will be easier to shed these pounds and that she helps when I am about to scream at Jim and all that. She does a lot so I will not strike against her.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST -AHAVA.
My daughter’s name is Hebrew for LOVE and she has done nothing but show me that. She wonders how my stomach became so big and I told her that she was going to be a big sister. She seems excited about that but we will see when the time comes. She has large eyes like mine and sometimes she looks at me questioningly when I shout at Jim and when he walks into the room perplexed and wondering what he has done, Ahava says, “don’t worry Daddy, I will take care of Mummy” before lecturing me on how he is my elder and we should respect people older than us. I thought it was a case of discrimination but I one day overheard a conversation between her and Jim which I have to paraphrase because its hard to spell the way Ahava says some things.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST -AHAVA.
My daughter’s name is Hebrew for LOVE and she has done nothing but show me that. She wonders how my stomach became so big and I told her that she was going to be a big sister. She seems excited about that but we will see when the time comes. She has large eyes like mine and sometimes she looks at me questioningly when I shout at Jim and when he walks into the room perplexed and wondering what he has done, Ahava says, “don’t worry Daddy, I will take care of Mummy” before lecturing me on how he is my elder and we should respect people older than us. I thought it was a case of discrimination but I one day overheard a conversation between her and Jim which I have to paraphrase because its hard to spell the way Ahava says some things.
‘You know, Mummy has a baby in her stomach.’
Jim put down his newspaper. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah,’ Ahava said knowingly. ‘She does… and I think it’s heavy.’
‘I think so too,’ Jim sounded like he was wondering where this was going.
‘We should be nice to her,’ Ahava went on. ‘We need to think about the baby.’
‘Okay, dear. Thank you.’
‘So maybe you should stop reading your newspaper and go sing to her.’
I burst out laughing and it was so hard to keep it down. Jim actually obeyed and came with Ahava to sing for me and the baby. It was so beautiful. Ahava is my little watchman, she makes sure things are going well when I am not looking. She has taken control as the matriarch of the home because my stomach is heavy. I would strike against her for all the headaches she gives me when she refuses to let Jim give her a bath when Pea is not around but with the way she has my back? Never. I appreciate her.
11.1.07
Hullaballoo (H.B.)
There's practically nothing new about New York but its not easy to get bored in this Big Apple. In fact if anyone lives within the vicinity of this beautiful state and can claim to have even one second of boredom, such a person should be arrested with immediate effect.
H.B. In the Street:
These men, what should we do with them? If they're not too intimidated, they are too forward. I can't tell you the number of times I am hit on from my door to the subway to the time I get to my office on one of the streets that was hit by that worrying gas smell on Monday. Especially lately in my "condition" which I might explain later. It makes me just want to ignore everyone even before they do anything but then when you ignore people you never know you might ignore someone who really needs you. It's funny though how people decide to call the radio station and try to propose to us presenters during shows. Yes trust New Yorkers to be so crazy. Can you really blame all who have crossed the 25 landmark and are still single? Really, it's not that profane if you weigh the circumstances. And yes, nosy, I have crossed the dreaded line. I am unashamed to be the big 26.
My husband, who happens to be Kenyan, was quick to come to the defense of the New York crazies until one day we went jogging together and he learnt that they were unashamed to approach me even in his presence. His shock was a funny sight but a look from him was enough to send them all running off like the wind. I say them and make it seem like he chased an army but no they were just two. Since that day, he has shown extreme concern for my Manhattan escapades and is willing to drive through that crazy traffic and circle blocks upon blocks to secure parking, just to get to me if I need him. I might be accused of trying to start a UN Headquarters here, living in NY, being from Mbabane, born of a Sotho mother and Swazi father, married to a member of the fish-loving Luo tribe of Kenya but I must say I nabbed a good one! Talk about years of prayer paying off.
H.B. In the Nation
So George Bush is sending more troops to Iraq. What really goes on in that man's mind, how detatched from the American nation do you have to be, to go ahead with a plan that only 12% of the country supports? He does not make one ounce of sense, and now he's talking about invading Syria and Iran, too! God save America.... Can't wait for this year to be over so we can vote another man in but now with Habeus Corpus out the door we have given the lunatic W the powers of a king and so he just might at the end of the year decide to run for a third term in 2008. I would not be surprised.
Things get crazier by the day.
H.B. At home
So far at home in Mbabane things don't seem to be less hullaballoo, with the burning of the Exams Council building and dogs killing a poor old woman. Where were their owners if they had any, and could they exist and kill a woman without any warning signs?
H.B. In my back yard
I wonder who would believe me if I said I am seven and a half months pregnant and I go to work against doctor's orders? Jim and I decided we didn't want to know the baby's sex before he or she is born which has been so hard because I usually want to peep at the ultrasound and ask questions but the surprise will probably be worth it. My mother says the shape of my tummy is different from when I gave birth to our daughter Ahava who is now 2 and a half. She has decided it's a boy. I can't wait to meet the baby. I decided to work as long as I can before the big L, and then after that stay home and be with the child so there is a method to this particular hullaballoo.
H.B. In the Street:
These men, what should we do with them? If they're not too intimidated, they are too forward. I can't tell you the number of times I am hit on from my door to the subway to the time I get to my office on one of the streets that was hit by that worrying gas smell on Monday. Especially lately in my "condition" which I might explain later. It makes me just want to ignore everyone even before they do anything but then when you ignore people you never know you might ignore someone who really needs you. It's funny though how people decide to call the radio station and try to propose to us presenters during shows. Yes trust New Yorkers to be so crazy. Can you really blame all who have crossed the 25 landmark and are still single? Really, it's not that profane if you weigh the circumstances. And yes, nosy, I have crossed the dreaded line. I am unashamed to be the big 26.
My husband, who happens to be Kenyan, was quick to come to the defense of the New York crazies until one day we went jogging together and he learnt that they were unashamed to approach me even in his presence. His shock was a funny sight but a look from him was enough to send them all running off like the wind. I say them and make it seem like he chased an army but no they were just two. Since that day, he has shown extreme concern for my Manhattan escapades and is willing to drive through that crazy traffic and circle blocks upon blocks to secure parking, just to get to me if I need him. I might be accused of trying to start a UN Headquarters here, living in NY, being from Mbabane, born of a Sotho mother and Swazi father, married to a member of the fish-loving Luo tribe of Kenya but I must say I nabbed a good one! Talk about years of prayer paying off.
H.B. In the Nation
So George Bush is sending more troops to Iraq. What really goes on in that man's mind, how detatched from the American nation do you have to be, to go ahead with a plan that only 12% of the country supports? He does not make one ounce of sense, and now he's talking about invading Syria and Iran, too! God save America.... Can't wait for this year to be over so we can vote another man in but now with Habeus Corpus out the door we have given the lunatic W the powers of a king and so he just might at the end of the year decide to run for a third term in 2008. I would not be surprised.
Things get crazier by the day.
H.B. At home
So far at home in Mbabane things don't seem to be less hullaballoo, with the burning of the Exams Council building and dogs killing a poor old woman. Where were their owners if they had any, and could they exist and kill a woman without any warning signs?
H.B. In my back yard
I wonder who would believe me if I said I am seven and a half months pregnant and I go to work against doctor's orders? Jim and I decided we didn't want to know the baby's sex before he or she is born which has been so hard because I usually want to peep at the ultrasound and ask questions but the surprise will probably be worth it. My mother says the shape of my tummy is different from when I gave birth to our daughter Ahava who is now 2 and a half. She has decided it's a boy. I can't wait to meet the baby. I decided to work as long as I can before the big L, and then after that stay home and be with the child so there is a method to this particular hullaballoo.
3.1.07
Yes! It's true. Despite all the craziness going on in Blogger, I have decided to start a blog. I need a way to unwind and I think this is it. Hopefully one day it'll be one of those sites that get 3000 hits a day! I wonder though what a Swazi woman who can't speak a single word of Siswati, who lives in New York but can't stand it, and is a journalist who thinks the industry needs a revolution... Exactly what would I blog about that would bring 3000 hits my way? My days aren;t at all interesting! We'll see though, I'll come up with something.
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